The lows

Well Ive been missing from my blog lately, I thought it was just cause I had nothing to say till I noticed that my mental health seems to be slipping.

Awhile back I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality with psychotic episodes when I get too stressed. This causes me to see things that arnt there and hear things that arnt there. I usually become quite emotionally numb and cant seem to find empathy in me for anybody. Everyone and everything just frustrates me, my patience becomes about as thin as a piece of glass and feels like it could shatter anytime. I have the flu as well but usually this doesnt affect my mental health, this time a entire different kettle of fish. I dont want to eat, just want to drink coffee, and sleep (I know, not exactly the most healthy combination) but to be quite honest i just dont care.

Ive had to give my son to Marks grandmother the last 2 days because i just cant manage to look after him like i usually do. Its not that his needs get neglected, he still gets fed, changed, bathed, amused and played with but i cant seem to find it in me to feel any emotion while doing this. Usually my life revolves around my son, he makes me happy and makes me smile. Now, nothing seems to be doing that and i hate myself for feeling this way. I feel like the only place i can vent is on here as everyone seems to be too busy with their own life and i dont want to pull them down with me.

This is a normal thought pattern for me when my mental health is playing up. I seem to start thinking that im just useless to everyone and that im just a inconvenience in my familys life. My son needs me to be there for him, be a happy mum, smile, play with him, go out etc. But i just dont want to do that anymore. All i want to do is go to bed and hide from the world. Which obviosly is what ive been doing for the past 2 days.

Im scared of my mental illness, it gets out of control and my mind just spins. I get overwhelmed and my thoughts are jumbled, i see things that arnt there and hear things that arnt there. And these arnt your basic things either, these images i see are what horror movies are made of. People hanging, blood on the walls, some black dog that has been round for as long as i can remember that just sits and stares at me with his red eyes. That dog scares me, even though deep in my subconscious I know he isnt there, i cant seem to make my brain believe that its not. He sits there staring at me, willing me to freek out and lose the plot. I dont know where he comes from hes just there and wont go away.

I feel like my sanity is slipping away from under me and times like this I wish my Mum was here as she seems to be the only one that truly understands me, The only one that doesnt make me feel judged. Its so hard having a mental illness, even though its a sickness and it can hit anytime, when it does hit you feel like you just being silly and need to for a better term "snap the hell out of it". But you just cant. Things pop out of your mouth without thinking and everyone seems to suffer which just makes me feel worse and sink futher.

I dont want to ring mental health because i cant seem to put what is wrong with me into words. I feel like im going to get on the phone to mental health, they are going to ask me how i feel and im going to say "umm i dont know". Its just too frustrating and i feel like im swimming up a river which is just trying to keep me from going anywhere. I could talk to Mark but i feel like im just going to burden him as he has enough on without me adding to the mix.

Well thats me, guess theres not much really else to say

Who am I?

I am:
The slasher, the cutter, the burner, the head banger, the biter, the swallower, the screamer, the shouter, the druggy, the piss artist, the destroyer; the OD in cubicle three.

I am:
Here, yet again. The time waster, the naughty and hopeless case, the pain in the arse, the crisis queen, the attention seeker, the unfit, the sad, the lonely, the nutter; the head case down the road.

I am:
The weak minded, the stupid, the sicko, the deceitful, the manipulative, the failure, the lonely, the desperate, the inferior, the flawed; the scared and the scarred.

I am:
Judged and guilty as charged. To be gossiped about, frowned upon, nervously smiled at, ignored, rebuffed, laughed at, pitied, avoided, told off: spoken to sternly.

I am:
Who I am.

I am:
Misunderstood.

I am:
The parent, the partner, the relation, the friend, the giver, the listener, the protector, the carer, the lover, the wit, the teacher, the supporter, the motivator, the homemaker, the volunteer, the worrier, the planner, the organiser; oh yes –

I am:
The patient.